How Could You NOT Know?

This is a picture from the intro to the old TLC show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." I have to be honest when I first saw this show I, like many others, could not understand how a woman could not know she was pregnant. (I was also a teenager and knew very little about pregnancy...) Well, it happens. To keep things light, this show always had happy endings where women would carry their children basically to full term (unknowingly), give birth to healthy little ones, and go on their merry way. Unfortunately, this is not always the reality.

This week's post is from a close friend who not only experienced this, but did not have the happy ending that the show always depicted. I also want to reiterate that these posts are meant to bring awareness to the varying challenges that women and couples go through in order to start a family....and yes, some experiences are more challenging than others. I hope that through all of these posts, those reading and who can relate can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

(For those wondering what I have been going through lately...stay tuned!)

"Miscarriages/stillbirth is sadly an extremely common tragedy. Having it be so common doesn’t take away the pain, but for me it certainly makes me feel less alone in my sadness and day to day struggles to keep moving. It’s one of those things that you don’t want anyone to go through and feel, but reality is that it’s way too common and we have one another to lean on for support. So when Rebecca asked me to write about my experience for her blog I couldn’t say yes quick enough because sharing my struggles may help someone else feel less alone.

November 20th, 2014 is the day my life forever changed. I was going about life as “normal” and then at 4:00am alone in my apartment I became a bereaved mother as I gave birth to my daughter who was born stillborn. Sadly, I was unable to experience the joys of being pregnant. I had complications from the beginning which didn’t allow me to even know I was carrying my sweet baby girl. I was getting what I thought to be my period monthly, and in the middle of that night on November 20th I thought my contractions were menstrual cramps since I always get horrific cramps and had no reason to believe I was pregnant. Then it happened, I had my angel. To this day I still don’t know how I didn’t faint, or even die for that matter from the shock and the extreme blood loss. But it was adrenaline that kept me going and my motherly instincts to save her even though she was already gone. Fast forward to the hospital, I had friends and family around me and I held my daughter for hours. The nurses told me I had been 5 and a half months along. We named her Rebecca Clara and baptized her in the hospital room. Handing the nurse back my daughter knowing I would never hold her again was a pain that there are just no words to describe. Two days later we buried her and had a service for my sweet angel. Now, somehow, it was time to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I became extremely depressed and suffered from PTSD. I still suffer from it to this day but through therapy I have learned many coping mechanisms. I had/have wonderful family and friends who were/are there for me. I joined support groups and talked to other women. Once I was able to put one foot in front of the other again I started working, I moved into a new apartment and I was living my new “normal”. I started feeling comfort in going to visit my daughter's grave and I bring her toys for how old she would be every time I go. I even got strong enough to give a speech once at a women’s convention about how to keep going even when you don’t think you can, because you have to, you just have to keep going.

Being around babies was really hard for me as you could imagine. I missed out on all the firsts and simply just being around my cousins babies for the first few years because I was so afraid. The flashbacks were unreal and the outer body experience put me right back in that dark apartment in the middle of the night. Fast forward to 2017, I went to my first baptism since my daughters, I’ve held a one month old and, well, I’m even able to write this without the outer body experience because I know that it will help someone else feel less alone.

I will live with the pain for the rest of my life. I will forever walk around feeling like a part of my soul is not with me. I will often need to leave a room when there is too much baby talk and catch my breath when I see a baby. A tear or many will fall from my face when I hear a baby cry because I so desperately wish I heard my baby cry. I will always hate the question, “How are you?” because how do I ever honestly answer that. In fact, there are many statements and questions people make that annoy me beyond belief, but at the end of the day I’m just happy that they don’t know the pain I do. All I can say is this...I will look at myself in the mirror everyday and think to myself how strong I am. I will always remember the days I couldn't get out of bed and I am proud of myself when I walk out of the door every morning now. So for those of you reading this, with all of my heart and soul I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope reading this makes you feel a little less alone. And I hope reading this allows you to see and believe that one day, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you WILL put one foot in front of the other again, you WILL feel strong and you WILL conquer your way through life, because as my favorite quote says, “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.

-Anonymous